


5 Times Barry Made a Sex Joke in private, and once in public

by yellow_sunrise



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Dirty Jokes, F/M, Humor, Sexual Humor, that's it lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 16:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15441105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellow_sunrise/pseuds/yellow_sunrise
Summary: Barry's kinda a pervert and Iris is really the only one who knows.





	5 Times Barry Made a Sex Joke in private, and once in public

**Author's Note:**

> This is....hands down, the dumbest thing I've EVER written and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

  1. In the living room



 

“I can’t believe we have to get  _ another _ mattress.” Iris complained, flicking through another catalog and trying to find a bed that they haven’t already ruined.

 

“I don’t know, as far as marital problems this is  _ kinda _ a good reason, just saying.” Barry snickered and Iris rolled her eyes at her husband’s immature jokes. Yes, the sex was more than satisfying and she would rather break another thousand beds before they started having less exuberant sex, but it was getting annoying to search for a mattress and then purchasing it, only to ruin the damn thing a month later.

 

“Barry, we’ve gotta tone it down or something because if we walk into another IKEA I might just sleep on the couch,” she threatened, but he could see the naked amusement in her eyes.

 

“You know what though? We could just see how durable our hardwood is against my hard wood,” he said with a straight face. Iris tried so hard but she burst into laughter pulling him into a kiss.

 

“Dork. Alright, let’s see then,” she giggled against his lips.

 

  1. In the bathroom



 

Iris hummed as she took her shower, grateful that she had the next morning off because tonight it was a shower, but in the morning she was going to take a long, luxurious bath and spend her day comfortable in a robe and nothing else. Hopefully. The jury was still out on whether she'd be called to assist in city saving.

 

“Iris? You in there?”

 

“Yes? Why aren’t you in here getting ready for bed?”

 

“Oh I’ll be in something alright,” he said casually and Iris rolled her eyes but smiled anyway.

 

  1. In the kitchen



 

Iris chopped at the cucumber, trying to make the slices more even so the salad she was building could look cute, but it was a loss cause. Iris was not a chopper. A mixer, a baker, a pourer maybe. But chopping was always a sloppy job if left in Iris’s hands. So, when Barry got back with the cottage cheese that Cecile was so fond of, Iris was ready to pass along the task. She decided to get check on the main dish, a roast.

 

“It's pretty dry I think I want it to be a little more moist before we eat it,” she said, using the juices to keep the roast moist.

 

“Yeah that's my rule too,” Barry said easily. Iris nodded. She was thinking about the vegetables getting too dry but she figured she could separate them to keep them moist.

 

“Well, yeah we learned how to cook from the same guy, duh,” she said rolling her eyes. Barry looked out the corner of his eye, a devious smirk on his face.

 

“I was talking about eating that kitty cat actually, but roast beef is good too,” he said blithely.

 

“Oh my God Barry, shut  _ up  _ you're so annoying,” she laughed, pushing his head away when he went for a kiss.

 

“You love me. And you like the way I eat it,” he winked exaggeratedly and Iris laughed.

 

“Barry you’re ridiculous. Anyway, how are the cucumbers she asked pointedly.

 

Barry presented a perfectly tossed salad to Iris, complete with a few decorative slices of cucumber lining the bowl. 

 

“I did good right?”

 

“You did! Thank you babe. Don’t forget to cover with with a paper towel before you put it away,” she said pulling away from the oven and pulling out her graham pie crust.

 

“You want me to mix the cheesecake?” he asked, saddling up behind her and helping her mix everything. Iris tutted, when he added to much lemon juice and she was quick to fix it.

 

“You know, standing  _ right _ behind me doesn’t make this easier.”

 

“No, but it feels nice,” he murmured, kissing her neck. Iris held back her smirk.

 

  1. In the bedroom



 

Barry watched as Iris got ready for bed, wrapping her hair, applying her moisturizer and then finally her body lotion. If there was anything Iris hated, it was dry skin. 

 

“Honestly the nerve of that guy, trying to accuse me of libel. Everything I wrote was true, all of it researched extensively.”

 

“Well, once everyone corroborated your article it became obvious that he was a fraud. I'm proud of you honey.” he said with a grin. Iris smiled at him from the vanity and turned in her seat to smile.

 

“Thanks Bear.” she finished up and crawled into bed, curling up with her husband. In the silence though, their neighbor's awful pipes could be heard.

 

“God I wish they would just lay down some new pipes,” Iris groaned, burying her face in Barry’s chest to block out the noise.

 

“Yeah. They deserve to have a taste of their own medicine.” he said mischievously, rolling so that he covered Iris’s body. She eyed him suspiciously.

 

“Oh yeah, how?” she asked.

 

“I lay down my  _ own _ pipe and you feel free to be as loud as you want,” he leered pervertedly and Iris burst into laughter.

 

“Bartholomew you're a menace,” she laughed but went with the plan anyway--a flimsy excuse to be unabashedly loud. 

 

  1. In her car



 

Iris loved Barry dearly, she really did. He was her best friend, her partner in truth and justice, her husband, future father of her children, her hero.

 

He was also the worst driver she knew. Which was hilarious because Barry was practically a genius, and also the fastest man alive. And yet! He was a distracted and impatient driver which usually resulted in numerous near accidents, only stopped by his super reflexes.

 

“Honey pull over please,” she sighed. Barry looked surprised. 

 

“What? I'm doing so well today you have to admit,” he pointed out.

 

“You're doing better than usual but I'm pretty sure that in the last four intersections you've become the source of six villain origin stories.” she retorted. Barry tutted but pulled into a parking lot so they could switch. Barry watched as Iris pulled out of the spot confidently and joined the other commuters with ease.

 

“You know, when we have our first child you realize you'll have to learn to drive since you can't speed them everywhere.” she pointed out and Barry grimaced.

 

“Yeah I know. But I can drive a stick at least, how hard could an automatic be?”

 

“Really? Because I distinctly recall you driving Dad’s convertible into a tree.” she said. Barry nodded.

 

“True, but that was hardly my fault,”

 

“Yes, I'm sure that tree got in your way.  _ I  _ can drive a manual transmission, you are just a hopeless driver.”

 

“You  _ are _ the best driver I know. I mean you handle my stick shift pretty well--”

 

“Barry!”

 

+1. In the Cortex

 

In a rare occasion these days, everyone is in the Cortex and it's not a life or death situation. Caitlin was performing her usual health screening of the team and they were all catching up. Nora, in a rare show of closeness was lamenting the fact that she was still five two and not a centimeter taller.

 

“Yeah I think all girls on my side are short.” Iris admitted, thinking of her mother who was probably the tallest woman in Iris's family.

 

“I think I came to terms with it, but it'd be nice to see what's on the shelf sometimes,” she joked. Iris snorted, but inside she was giddy. Nora was talking to her!

 

“I can understand. I'm average height but I always wanted to be five seven. I just needed a few more inches,” Iris sighed.

 

Barry, walking out of the medbay, without missing a beat replied, “I can give you more than a few inches later tonight.”

 

In Iris’s mind, the earth screeched to a halt and every man, woman, and child stopped moving. She certainly did.

 

She knew her complexion probably didn't show it very well but blood rushed to her face. Embarrassment or indignant fury, she wasn't sure.

 

But she  _ did _ know that everyone in the Cortex heard that, including her dad and their own child. Iris could see Barry's face had gone ashen as he glanced at Joe, whose face had frozen in disbelief. Nora began to audibly gag, Cecile looked away pointedly. Cisco and Ralph both opened their mouths to retort until Iris brought her fiery gaze upon them both. Their mouths snapped shut.

 

Caitlin cleared her throat and told Cecile that she was ready for her, her face bright pink, though she was  _ also  _ hiding a grin.

 

Iris’s head turned slowly back to Barry who was avoiding eye contact with everyone.

 

“Well, I've got to go analyze some crime scene evidence, see you guys later,” Barry said quite literally running away. Iris was  _ so  _ gonna get him back for that.


End file.
